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#1reasontobe

Posted on November 29, 2012 by ayvalentine

I don’t feel like I’m any kind of hero for sticking it out to become a woman working fulltime editing RPGs. It’s pretty much a dream come true, and I’ve never been more accepted and respected. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I have little to add to #1reasonwhy there are so few women in gaming—I feel a bit like I lead a charmed life that way.

Nevertheless, sometimes I’m aware of a weight on my shoulders as a woman in a male-dominated field. This is all the more apparent when I look at my children who are immersed in gaming in many ways. I realize that I’m a role model whether I want to be one or not. I’d best not fuck it up.

But that’s my primary #1reasontobe—I feel like what I do matters. Sure, I’m helping people make games. But games can change the world. Really. At least they can help change culture, and that in time will change the world. It’s that glacial kind of change, the kind our grandchildren will probably benefit from more than we will, but it still matters. If we work against the culture that makes it hard to be a woman in gaming, our daughters will see that this is a field they can be part of. And it will never occur to our granddaughters that games are for boys and that women can’t be equally involved in making and playing games.

(Or that games are only for for cisgendered white people to make and play. This is absolutely not only about women. However, as a cisgendered white woman raising a cisgendered white daughter, please bear with me if that’s my primary example since it ties in with my personal experiences. But I believe that battles for equality are more alike than they are different, and as walls come down for one group, they’re at least weakened significantly for other groups as well.)

For the most part, I see an openness and inclusion in the gaming community that I’m part of that I would like to see in the world as a whole. It’s painfully clear that not everyone is like this—I’m horrified by some of the overt misogyny, racism, and homophobia that other people have experienced in gaming, shocked and saddened that there are people in the world who could possibly say such things in this day and age. In my little bubble, those people are very much the exception and that kind of thing isn’t tolerated. I don’t mean to say my peeps are saints—we get on each other’s nerves and bicker from time to time and once in awhile someone says something stupid, we all get bent out of shape, feelings get hurt, and usually there are apologies and we learn something and we move on. But for the most part, people who are part of my circles are respectful of each other. The ones who aren’t stand out as the exceptions they are.

That kind of thing is contagious. As those circles of respect widen, more people join in and learn how not to accidentally be jerks (of course, it doesn’t help the ones who are proud of being jerks, but some humans are like that). And as youngsters grow up in these circles of respect, there’s so much they’ll never have to unlearn. Inclusion will be normal to them.

So my main #1reasontobe is because I want to be part of why a gaming community is welcoming and inclusive. I want to help create games that reflect a variety of people and that any gamer can look at and picture herself or himself as part of that game in the art, in the characters we present, in the themes we explore. I want to create the gaming community where my daughter and my son will be welcomed and nurtured. I want other women to look at gaming and see me at the gaming table, in the booth selling my books, in the credits of lots of games, and I want them to feel like they won’t be alone here.

I may “just” be making games, but I also think I’m helping make a better world for my children and my grandchildren, regardless of gender, race, ability, or sexual orientation.

Posted in Conventions, Editing, Freelancing Life, Games, Kids and Gaming, Parenthood | 5 Comments

#1reasonwhy

Posted on November 29, 2012 by ayvalentine

I’ve been slowly catching up on the #1reasonwhy phenomenon—it’s still a little staggering to see a Twitter conversation between two people I know personally evolve into a trending topic covered by multiple news organizations!

I had little to add to that conversation. I’ve been really lucky and I don’t really have any stories to share, even though I’ve been involved in gaming for almost 17 years, I’ve been a professional for nearly 10 years, and I’ve gone to many conventions. Sure, I used to occasionally get mistaken as a spouse who was dragged to a convention, but once people were set straight I was always immediately accepted into the conversation as a gaming professional. And now that I have some high profile games under my belt, no one makes that mistake anymore.

I’ve given some thought as to why I’ve been so lucky, and I think it’s a variety of things.

My gaming groups

I started gaming relatively late in life, after I was married. My first gaming group was all adults and overwhelmingly female—Clark and me, another couple, and two single women. Most of us were newbie gamers. It was a very safe place to learn to play. The guys were the ones with the most experience, but they were so eager to share a beloved hobby with us that there was no condescension or belittling.

When we moved, our next gaming group learned to deal with nursing infants at the table. Again, I wasn’t the only woman—Shannon Butcher was in one of our groups and Jessica Banks was in both. Jim and Shannon’s tween son often played with us as long as his attention held out. After the Butchers and Bankses moved away, our group changed again—and it brought two new couples and another series of nursing infants.

I’ve always gamed with friends, I’ve never been the only woman, and I’ve always gamed with adults. I know not everyone has access to a situation like this, but oh my goodness what a difference it makes. The kinds of horror stories I hear about would never happen at our table.

My career

As has been mentioned elsewhere, I got into editing because I was friends with Cam Banks. Anyone who knows Cam knows there’s no way he was going to be awful to me—he’s a genuinely decent human being in addition to being one of my best friends. Plus Jess would kick his ass. So I never once in any way felt like being a woman was a liability working with Cam. I also started out with Margaret Weis’ company—the whole company was used to seeing a woman in a position of authority. I may have had to convince them they needed an editor, but I never had to convince them a woman was capable of doing the job.

Next, I worked with Evil Hat. It’s true that in much of my work on The Dresden Files I work almost solely with men (lots of women have contributed both writing and art, but due to when I came onto the project and because of my role, I’ve had little to do with them). But I was fully respected as a professional editor from the get go. Maybe I wasn’t as aggressive as I could have been sometimes, but that’s because I was star struck to be working with Fred Hicks, Rob Donoghue, and Leonard Balsera! When we all got together at Fred’s house or at a convention, I never felt like the token woman. It was often only later that I would realize I’d been the only woman. I was just a professional among my peers.

Now, anyone who hires me does so based on my reputation. And you don’t do that and then abuse that person for happening to be female. Plus I don’t work with jerks. Everyone I’ve worked with has been amazing, but I’m lucky to be in a position now where people approach me—I don’t have to go out looking for jobs.

Conventions

I didn’t go to a convention until my kids were old enough to stay with Grandma for a week (as has been mentioned in #1reasonwhy, it often just makes sense for the mom to stay with little kids). Clark had been to Gen Con a few times so he was eager to share it with me—I wasn’t wandering around lost by myself at my first convention. Within a few years, my involvement in RPG editing meant that conventions were a chance to meet up with the people I work with. I’m typically surrounded by my friends and coworkers, many of whom happen to be male.

I often wear a corset or work a booth—I’ve even worked a booth while wearing a corset a few times—but I’ve never had anyone be anything except occasionally slightly creepy. I’ve never experienced an overtly lewd comment or an unwelcome touch. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to avoid this—maybe because my husband or someone else is usually with me? I don’t know how much of a role this plays—I know some of the real creeps don’t care who’s around, for instance—but I do wonder if my tendency to be surrounded by safe guys protects me from the jerks.

(Addendum: I’m typically surrounded by friends—both male and female. My female friends are just as scary as—if not scarier than—my male friends if you threaten one of our group.)

Danger sensors

I’ve never been sexually assaulted. Once when I was a young teen, some skeezy guy tried to convince me to join him for a party at the abandoned train station, but when I looked at him like he was insane, he didn’t stop me from walking away. During my college years, I was in some situations that in retrospect were pretty damn vulnerable, but I was always lucky enough to be with guys who didn’t take advantage of me. Therefore, many things that are triggers for lots of other women aren’t triggers for me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not even noticing some of what goes on, especially at conventions, because it doesn’t set off my danger sensors.

The traumatic bullying I suffered in middle school and early high school? It was all at the hands of other girls. I learned to fear them, not the boys. Luckily, the female gamers I know are supportive and wonderful, so I haven’t had to deal with middle school flashbacks.

To sum up

I never had to navigate the waters alone. I came into gaming as a married adult, not as a single girl. I game with friends, which always includes other women. I hang out with really great guys who have never done anything to make me uncomfortable and who probably unintentionally form a buffer around me. I started my career with people who already respected me as a person. I am very lucky.

I know that there are plenty of misogynistic assholes out there. My heart hurts for the horrible experiences so many of you have had. My brain aches when the trolls come out to prove that misogyny is alive and well. But please know that there are lots and lots of wonderful people out there, too.

I’m incredibly grateful I have nothing of substance to add to #1reasonwhy, and I’m equally grateful for the courage of so many people to speak up and share their reasons. I believe that your courage will help change the atmosphere so that eventually my experiences will be the norm.

Now, #1reasontobe? Well, I’ve got tons of those. I promise a post on that soon.

Posted in Conventions, Editing, Freelancing Life, Games | 3 Comments

A Few of My Favorite Leftover Things

Posted on November 23, 2012 by ayvalentine

It’s about time to cue the complaints about how much turkey everyone has left over and how sick they are of turkey sandwiches. At our house, though, it seems like we never have enough leftovers from Thanksgiving because two of our favorite recipes work best prepared straight from the remains of the feast-laden table.

I probably should have posted this yesterday since often I do most of this leftover prep while clearing the table after dinner, but dinner wasn’t at our house yesterday so I wasn’t even thinking about leftovers! Hopefully these recipes will still come in handy, or at least you’ll have them for after future turkey feasts.

Both are ridiculously easy and can be made ahead of time. The scalloped turkey freezes well. The consistency of the stew gets weird in the freezer, but it does just fine sitting in the fridge for a few days before you cook it.

Without further ado, some favorite Valentine family recipes for Thanksgiving leftovers. You’re welcome.

Scalloped Turkey

What you need:

Turkey
Gravy
Stuffing

What you do:

Tear bite size pieces of turkey off the carcass until you have enough to generously cover the bottom of a casserole dish.
Pour leftover gravy over top – enough to keep it moist, but not so much that you get soup.
Spread leftover stuffing over that, enough to cover the whole thing, but it doesn’t need to be thick.
Bake at 350 until everything is hot—the gravy is bubbling nicely and the stuffing is crispy on top (usually about 20-25 min, longer – 40-50 minutes? – if you take it straight out of the freezer).

If you’re running low on leftovers, jarred gravy and stuffing from a box work just fine for this dish. This does really well going straight from the freezer to the oven, so if we have enough we make one for dinner the next day and one to freeze for later.

Leftover Stew

What you need:

Mashed potatoes
Turkey or veggie or chicken stock (made by boiling the carcass or dumped out of a can – either is fine)
Spices to taste
Turkey
Corn
Peas

What you do:

In a crock pot, add enough stock to leftover mashed potatoes, stirring often, until it gets to be the consistency of slightly thick stew base (it will get thinner when it’s warm, so judge accordingly).
Throw in some spices like parsley, maybe a little salt (but not much), etc. Whatever sounds good, but keep it on the mild side.
Add in bite size pieces of turkey and the leftover corn and peas.
Cook on low until you’re ready to eat.

This recipe is forgiving and adaptable—play around with it and make it your own, using whatever you have on hand.

These two recipes are the reason that we create leftovers when the big meal isn’t at our house. (I spent today dismantling rotisserie chickens for scalloped chicken. Not quite the same, but close enough in a pinch.) What are your favorite things to do with leftovers?

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

The Con You Wish You Went To

Posted on November 19, 2012 by ayvalentine

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, after driving past downed trees and long lines at gas stations, we arrived in Morristown, NJ, for Metatopia. Luckily, it was in the six block area of Morristown that somehow still had power. Many of the attendees left homes that still had no electricity, were damaged by trees, or in some other way were still very much dealing with the effects of Mother Nature’s wrath. Most of the attendees arrived exhausted physically and emotionally.

But for three days about three hundred of us gathered in the Hyatt, testing games, talking about a wide variety of topics during organized panels or while standing in hallways or gathered in unoccupied meeting rooms or over drinks and meals. While the effects of the storm were felt in some ways—such as some last minute cancellations and the sad demise of the catering coffee maker which meant coffee was not among the refreshments provided outside the main meeting room—the convention felt like an oasis of warmth and light, both literally and metaphorically.

It was an amazing amount of fun. One reason Clark and I have turned Origins and Gen Con into week long events is because the best conversations seem to happen right before and right after the cons are scheduled. The exhibitor’s hall is closed, no one is scheduled for 4-8 hour shifts working a booth or running games. We can relax and hang out together. Metatopia was kind of like three days of that.

I hear there’s this great playtesting thing going on at Metatopia. Honestly, I can’t really speak to that since the only playtesting I did was when Tim Rodriguez saw me and some other people walking by and said, “Hey, come try out this card game!” I sat in on some testing for a game with Cam Banks, but since I’ll be working on the game that hardly counts! And I know Clark had a good experience playtesting his Kriegzeppelin Valkyrie game. I was aware that there was a lot of playtesting going on, but that was about it.

For me, Metatopia was a series of panel discussions. I was on nine panels in less than 48 hours, and I attended several more. The topics were widely varied—working with an editor, how not to be a jerk, working with licensed properties, women in gaming, to name a few—and the discussions often went in unexpected but almost always informative and interesting directions. Most people were intent on actual conversation, learning from talking to other people who were also intent on learning from them. Even when I was the one running a panel, the discussions often challenged me and gave me stuff to think about.

I don’t mean to make it sound perfect. Like any gathering of actual human beings, of course there were some uncomfortable “Holy shit, did that person actually just say that?!?” moments. But considering some of the topics that were discussed, including potentially inflammatory issues like sexism, cultural appropriation, and stereotypes, those uncomfortable moments stand out for their relative rarity.

Many of the panels were recorded, if you want to check them out. Jason Pitre is releasing some of those recordings on a new podcast at Genesis of Legend Publishing. They typically last about an hour. None of my panels are up there yet, but you can hear me toward the end of Episode 2!

Some of my favorite people in the world were at Metatopia, and I was happy to spend a few days talking to them. I also met and got to know some more really incredible people, and I look forward to seeing them in the future. My list of fascinating people to talk to over drinks is getting ridiculously long.

Two weeks later, I’m still thinking about some of the conversations that happened at Metatopia. I have a post on stereotypes brewing in my head. I hope it makes it into coherent words soon.

This was only Metatopia’s second year. It’s still a work in progress, and it’s obvious that the folks at Double Exposure are really listening to feedback and doing their best to make it a fantastic experience for both playtesting and the panel track—things that make Metatopia unique. It’s definitely on our list of conventions we can’t miss.

Posted in Conventions, Editing, Freelancing Life, Games, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

When Your Editor Sucks

Posted on October 22, 2012 by ayvalentine

Today I wrote a tough email to an author who sent me a review copy of her book. I probably won’t post the review (although if she decides any publicity is better than none, I’ll write it up) because to me the book felt like an unfinished work in need of a good editor.

But here’s the thing—she credited an editor.

Several other self-published books I’ve read have had similar issues, but one in particular stands out. Despite the work of two paid editors, the plot was sprawling and needed a hundred or so pages cut from it. Although I think this book has the potential to be really interesting and solid, the author just doesn’t have the time and money to invest in reediting a book she’d already put out there. (I suggested she work with John Adamus for the sequel; I hope this interesting series will find its wings.)

As a reviewer, I’m on the outskirts of the self-publishing world—I see the products that authors submit to me to review, but I don’t know what all goes into getting a book to print. Sometimes it looks like people just stick a spell-checked second draft on Amazon for $.99 and call it good enough. Sometimes books are obviously crafted, often with more love and effort than goes into many traditionally published books.

In my naïveté and biased point of view as an editor, I assumed that the difference was whether or not the author worked with an editor—besides having the book proofread by a well-intentioned friend who majored in English 20 years ago.

But several of these books that really need to go back into the oven a time or two do have editors who are credited and thanked. This raises a couple questions for me.

Is it an issue of label? If you don’t know what an editor really does, maybe you’ve called the proofreader your editor. Should my criteria for whether I’ll read your book be how you answer the question “Please define the role of an editor”?
Are editors shafting self-published writers? This worries me because it preys on authors trying to do it right, and it feeds into the idea that you don’t really need to work with an editor because it’s just a waste of time and money. It seems pretty obvious that working with these particular editors was a waste of time and money.

The label issue is fairly easily solved. There are lots of good discussions online about the role of an editor, working with an editor, etc. I won’t repeat them here (but please feel free to include links to your favorites in the comments). To sum up, though, there are several levels of editing that should happen before your book goes to print. The first should challenge aspects of your story on a very fundamental level, probably on a level that makes you want to throw your laptop and/or your editor out the window. This is the level that usually seems to be lacking from the poorly edited self-published books I’ve read. Only after this can you get into the copyediting and finally the proofreading levels.

I don’t know for sure that the issue of editors shafting writers exists, but it seems likely. I suppose one answer is to find editors who come highly recommended. Here’s where the community that’s built up around self-published and small press authors can come in handy. Find books that seem to have been really well edited and see if the author would recommend that editor. Maybe you should only work with editors whose work you’ve seen and who other authors have had great experiences with.

On the other hand, I got into RPG editing because someone took a chance on an untried editor and I rose to the challenge. I’ll need someone to take a chance on me again if I start to get into fiction editing. I’d hate for it to be harder for good editors to break into the business.

Authors, I’d love to hear from you. What experiences have you had working with editors? How do you choose an editor? How do you make sure you’re working with a worthwhile editor? What are the danger signs that you’re getting shafted and what can you do about it?

It makes me sad to read books that have potential but have fallen short. It makes me furious on behalf of the author and my profession when it seems like the person hired to prevent that didn’t bother to fulfill expectations.

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

The Freelancer’s Workday

Posted on October 15, 2012 by ayvalentine

I’ve completed my first year living the dream as a full time freelancer in the RPG business. I am so lucky to be able to do this, and so grateful to Clark who provides the steady paycheck and the insurance that makes this possible.

I’m still struggling with some stuff, though. I’m sure that, like a marriage, you never actually reach a point in your career where suddenly things are perfect and you have nothing left to improve. It’s a lifelong relationship that grows and changes over time.

Here are some of the things I’m still working on. If you have any advice or similar stories, I’d love to hear it.

I haven’t learned how to differentiate my workday.

It’s not like I leave an office at the end of the day and head home—my office is a corner of the sofa. It’s also where I help the kids with homework, it’s where I sit to watch TV, it’s where I write book reviews, it’s sometimes where I eat dinner. Working looks a lot like everything else I do. This means that it’s all too easy for my work to be interrupted by other things and for work to become a constant undercurrent. “Sorry, kids; I know we were doing stuff, but I just got an email I need to deal with.” Often it feels like I’m always half working, and that’s not ideal for my family or my job.

It would be great if I had room to make a home office, but I don’t. Working away from home gets expensive, and it means I have to deal with lots of other people—honestly, one of my favorite parts of working at home is that often the only other living thing I have to deal with face to face is a sleeping cat. Since I’m working with people who live in different time zones or have day jobs that aren’t this, I feel like I need to be available well beyond a typical workday. It feels like a constant tug of war, and I’m not yet gracefully handling transitions.

Even though my time is flexible, that doesn’t mean it’s unlimited.

Because I could always technically get to my editing later, it’s hard to say no to family and friends who need something. This is all the more true because I’m one of the few people who does have the flexibility to help out during the workday. And often, it really isn’t a big deal to run an errand or even give up the occasional day—I can make up the time in the evenings or something.

But when I don’t know how to say no, it’s also really easy to lose several days, and that’s not so easy to make up. And the more I don’t say no, the more people expect me to be available during the day. I think it’s hard for people to understand that I’m working a real job when I’m sitting at home on my sofa and there’s no boss breathing down my neck if I take a personal phone call.

It’s true that my workdays are flexible, while my evenings are totally full with my kids and—if I’m really lucky—some time with Clark. But I’m having trouble learning how to protect my work time while still living up to my responsibilities to extended family and friends.

Home is distracting.

One reason I have trouble saying no to people is that I’m painfully aware that I probably could give them some time if I hadn’t gotten distracted by Twitter, or finished that book, or given in to the urge to take a nap. Most days I do pretty well, but some days everything seems more interesting than whatever I’m working on (this is in no way a reflection of whatever I’m working on, because the same thing will engage me completely the next day). Because I work alone, I have to motivate myself to stay on task. No one will actually know if it takes me five hours to do something I could have done in two.

I find it especially difficult to stay focused on things that don’t have deadlines breathing down my neck. I’ve always been like this—I was the college kid pounding away on the paper due that day as the sun rose over my computer monitor. I’m learning to set arbitrary deadlines for myself on long term projects, but sometimes I find myself hard to fool!

I’d love to hear from you.

What are some of the issues you face as a freelancer and/or someone who works from home? Have you found any strategies that work particularly well for you?

Posted in Editing, Freelancing Life | 10 Comments

Copper and Ice

Posted on October 5, 2012 by ayvalentine

I met the very cool Allegra Selzer at Gen Con this year. During a Twitter conversation about bullying, she agreed to write about her own experiences. You can follow her on Twitter @Penny_Dreadful or hear her as a co-host on The Walking Eye Podcast.

I am seven. A boy kicks me in the side, after pushing my face into the snow. I can taste copper and ice, and I feel sick.

Adults, including teachers, tell me maybe he has a crush on me. The boy stops when I tell my parents that he hurt me. They agree he probably just liked me.

***

I am eight. Two boys chase me at recess. When they catch me, they hold me down and try to kiss me. I hit them and say no. Their breath smells like milk.

We all get in trouble when an older kid reports it. A teacher asks me, “Why are you hitting them? That’s not what people do when they love each other.”

I start reading at recess after this. I never tell my parents.

***

I am eleven. I have developed a quick tongue in response to constant teasing.

A boy, one head taller and at least twenty pounds heavier, calls me a name and I bite back with an insult. He hits me as a rebuttal. I try to hit back, scratching his face. The fight goes on for several minutes before a teacher notices. My father pulls me out of school after I am given the same punishment as the boy.

When I return, the principal tells me I still have to do the same punishment as the boy who attacked me. I comply. I never tell my parents.

One of my friends slaps me in the face during class because she doesn’t want to be associated with me. The teacher doesn’t notice.

A few weeks later, I start pulling out my hair.

***

I am thirteen. I have trouble sleeping. Most of my bullies are in my math class, and some have lockers near mine. The administration tells me I can’t switch math periods or lockers and that I will be fine.

“Just ignore it. Bullies just want a reaction.” This is not helpful.

Classmates rip up my work in math. The teacher doesn’t notice. I get notes on my assignments asking me to be more careful or I will start losing points.

A boy shoves me into the wall when we are walking to class. I don’t know why. I didn’t even speak to him. I didn’t even look at him. I stare at the floor when I walk to class.

I tell my parents. My father has me record things in a journal. He has a meeting with someone. Suddenly my locker is moved and I have a new math period. My math grade goes up.

The teasing, name calling, and snubbing gets worse. I don’t tell my parents.

I start cutting myself the same year.

***

I am in high school. Things are a little better. I put up walls and classmates think I’m a snobby bitch. For the most part I’m okay with this if it means they will leave me alone. They don’t. People steal things from me. I’m afraid to be alone at school. I still don’t sleep well.

Symptoms of what will be later identified as mental illnesses interrupt my life. Some of my friends tell me I should just “stop acting so weird.” Teachers tell my parents I’m “sensitive.”

I receive more than one death threat, in writing and in person. Even my shoes are vandalized when I change for marching band. Someone scrawled “I will jump up and down on you until you stop breathing” on the white rubber sole. I throw them away. I don’t tell anyone.

I’m afraid of how much worse it will get if I do.

***

I’m an adult. I have no contact with the people that abused me in front of teachers and school officials, but I still have trouble sleeping.

I have a strong network of friends, yet I still worry that they will turn on me, or spread malicious rumors, or that at least one of them actually wants me to die. I know this probably won’t happen, but I still think about it.

Sometimes, when I hear people joke “Oh, I want to kill you!” I remember the vitriolic death threats scrawled on my belongings and I feel sick. When a friend playfully pushes me, I don’t feel like an adult. I am seven, I am eleven, I am thirteen. I am waiting to feel the kick in my side, or have my head slammed into a wall. News reports on bullying can be too much to bear. They are often littered with triggers for my self harm behavior, something that I still struggle with daily.

I know this isn’t considered healthy behavior, but it is my reality. If I could keep myself from reacting this way, I would.

***

Bullying can leave deep wounds. Like a physical injury, healing can take a long time and often leaves a person fundamentally changed. The scars still ache, even years after the wound has healed.

Mine ache when people tell victims of bullying that they’re asking for it by being different. They ache when adults say “That’s just kids being kids” to a child who reports being targeted and harassed. They ache when I hear someone say “It gets better” and expect that to be enough to make a difference. Children’s and teenagers’ concept of the future is very limited. Dismissing my current problems as “a phase” or something that would make me “stronger” as an adult contributed to my silence as things escalated.

The pain is the most intense when the blame is placed on the victim of the bullying. It happens in news stories. I have heard it from parents and teachers. I have seen social workers and direct care staff pointedly defend a bully’s right to torment someone. The reasons are familiar. They are too sensitive. If they don’t want to be teased they shouldn’t act that way. Bullies just have low self esteem, and the victim must have done something to make them feel bad. If the victim would just fight back, this wouldn’t happen.

I’ve been hearing these excuses for almost twenty years. The script hasn’t changed much.

So I’m asking adults who have contact with kids to listen. I’m asking you to believe the child who says they’re being bullied. And I’m begging you to not make the victim take responsibility for ending the torment. Most of the time, the victim doesn’t even know what they’re doing wrong. I know I didn’t.

I make sure I listen…because I still remember the taste of copper and ice.

Posted in Parenthood, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

A Year In

Posted on September 26, 2012 by ayvalentine

Still recovering from an amazing and utterly exhausting GenCon, I realized that I’ve hit a milestone—I’ve been a full time freelance RPG editor for a year now. There have been struggles, such as adapting our budget to the sporadic paychecks of a freelancer. I’m still working on how to manage my time—the flexibility of my schedule means that I can in fact drop what I’m doing to help out friends and family when they need it, but then I have to figure out how to make up that time so I don’t fall behind in my own work. (That same flexibility sometimes makes it hard to ignore the allure of a nap, too, after a particularly busy weekend!) Despite some ongoing adjustments, though, it’s been wonderful.

GenCon drove home what a success this year has been. I don’t mean to brag (too much, anyway!) but the ENnies and the Indie RPG Awards were kind to me and mine again this year. Marvel Heroic Roleplaying won a gold and two silvers at the ENnies and Evil Hat got the silver for Best Publisher. Although I didn’t find out until later, the Fiasco Companion and Bulldogs! did well at the Indie RPG Awards. Bulldogs! and the Smallville High School Yearbook were also both nominated for ENnies—even though this is a bit of a platitude, it really is an honor to have your games included in categories with competition that tough. No, I don’t need awards to make me feel like my work is good and worthwhile, but it’s still a great feeling to have it recognized in that way.

My favorite thing about GenCon, though, is getting to meet up with people that I talk with and work with all year online, but I rarely get to see face to face. It’s really interesting to meet people in person for the first time and feel like you already know them pretty well. Every year my feeling of being an integral part of the community grows, but it really stood out this year—sometimes it felt like I knew everyone at least a little bit, and that was awesome.

My first year as a full time freelancer has expanded the amount of time I spend online (mostly on Twitter) interacting with the community. You guys are essentially my coworkers. You’re the people I chat with in the lunchroom or around the coffee maker. In the past, I’ve mostly only known the people I’ve worked with directly. Over the past year, though, my circles expanded tremendously, and I’m so glad to have gotten to meet so many of you. It was great to interact with you in person and to meet some of your friends who now also feel like my friends. My hangout time was limited to the evenings—and was way too short as there are so many people I wanted to talk to longer—but now it’s mostly a blur of warm fuzzy memories of meals shared, booze shared, games played, lots of cool conversations, and feeling like I really belonged. This is going to sound so cheesy, but to me game conventions really do feel like coming home and being among people who understand my world. I love hanging out with you guys.

The reason that only my evenings were free is that I spent all day every day working the Margaret Weis Productions booth, mostly talking people into buying Marvel Heroic Roleplaying. I never did get to see most of the exhibitors hall because I almost never left the booth. That may sound like drudgery to some of you, but working a booth is one of my favorite things to do. I love being able to talk to people about the games I’ve worked on, and I think I’m really good at it. Large groups of strangers typically wear me out pretty quickly, but when I’m working a booth I gain energy from interacting with people. I was dead on my feet by the end of the day—and my body had paid a price by the end of the week—but being in that booth selling my games was exactly where I wanted to be all day. Aside from conventions, I rarely get to see my books head out into the wild, and there’s no place I’d rather be than helping put them into people’s hands.

It’s always interesting to see the variety of people who play the games. I was thrilled about how many women talked with me about Marvel Heroic Roleplaying. When mixed groups came to look at the game, it was often one of the women who bought the book and was obviously going to run it for everyone else. I’m proud that it’s a game that consciously includes lots of female characters who fill a variety of roles. I’m proud that we did our best to find art that avoids some of the most egregious comic art sins against female characters. And, although some people seemed surprised to realize that I’d worked on the book and that I really knew what I was talking about, I think that was less because I’m a woman and more because they didn’t expect to buy the books from people who’d helped create them. I’ve heard a lot about women being marginalized, objectified, and harassed within the game and comic industries/hobbies/conventions, etc. I’m grateful that this has not been my experience and I hope that safe and accepting environments are slowly becoming more widespread.

Anyway, GenCon was wonderful as usual. I look forward to another year, full of more editing, more conversations, and more conventions (Metatopia in November!). Thanks to all of you for your support—you keep me from feeling alone as I spend my workdays with only the cat as company.

Posted in Editing, Games | Leave a comment

Conversing About Conversational Tone

Posted on September 14, 2012 by ayvalentine

It occurred to me the other day how often I’ve given the advice to “go for a conversational tone.” I’ve said it to students, to writers, and to fellow editors. I say it like everyone should know what I mean by “conversational tone,” and yet I rarely actually define it.

So, what do I mean by “conversational tone”?

Turns out, conversational tone isn’t actually the way we converse with one another. Listen to yourself talk with your friends, even though it will probably make you self-conscious for a while. You probably use a lot of filler words (like, you know, uh, so, actually, apparently—those are a few of my personal crutches). You may also leave a lot of things implied or unfinished. Once I’m certain the person I’m talking to sees where I’m headed, I’ll often just trail off rather than saying the rest of the words. Run on sentences are par for the course in conversation, as inflection and context fill in meaning for the words we leave out and the sentences we mash together.

But none of these things work well in writing, so they all get edited out when I’m aiming for conversational tone.

Maybe conversational tone mimics more formal conversation, like talking with your boss or your elderly neighbor? Turns out that isn’t a good guide, either. That typically brings back all the stilted phrasing and big words that a conversational tone is supposed to avoid.

Conversational tone in writing doesn’t sound a lot like verbal conversation. (Although I suppose it might be the idealized version of what our conversations would sound like if we could write out our thoughts and then have people edit them before we actually spoke them.)

So what are the hallmarks of writing in a conversational tone?

The most obvious one is that you get to break about half the rules that were drilled into your head in school.

1. Please use contractions, pretty much any time you can, especially with pronouns and negatives—he’s, she’d, they’ll, don’t, isn’t, etc. The exceptions are when you want to stress the negative (“You do not want to do that” comes with an implied emphasis on the “not” that isn’t present in “You don’t want to do that.”) or when it would just look weird and confusing. And yeah, that’s a personal call.

2. Some short sentences are good. Even fragments. It’s a stylistic choice. You want to make sure that you don’t sacrifice clarity and that you don’t overuse this technique. Fragments in particular. But they work well to create clear lists of examples (“I love to read fantasy. And romances. And historical fiction. And historical romantic fantasies.”) and they can work to emphasize a point, making it stand out without extra words around it. You can even make a short sentence or fragment stand as its own paragraph.

Really, you can.

3. Ignore rules that lead to tortured sentence structure. Go ahead and end that sentence with a preposition. Use “who” instead of “whom.” I’m even ok with splitting infinitives if it makes the sentence flow better.

Aside from the blatant disregard for your 5^th grade grammar lessons, another thing that defines conversational style is language.

Don’t drag out the SAT words that some well meaning high school teacher made you memorize. When simpler phrasing will work, go with that. Here’s where game books and fiction diverge a little—if you’re writing fiction and you want to expand the reader’s vocabulary, go for it. Context will probably provide enough of a definition. If you’re writing a game book, however, keep your vocabulary recognizable. Your purpose isn’t to explore the beauty of language but to be extremely clear as you explain rules and setting. Whether fiction or game books, if your readers need to keep a dictionary handy to understand your writing, they will start to get annoyed.

It’s ok to use some slang and casual phrases, although you probably want to avoid anything too regional unless your audience is only people from that region. You also need to make sure you aren’t sounding like that sad adult trying to use another generation’s slang. But as long as you’re comfortable with the language you’re using, it’s fine to use words and phrases that you wouldn’t normally include in formal writing.

Profanity fits into this category, though with even more caveats. First, unless you’re really talented with creative profanity (read Chuck Wendig or watch Deadwood), it just gets boring and people will start skipping the swear words and thus skimming whatever important thing you’re trying to say. Excessive use of profanity robs it of any impact. Any time you’re tempted to use profanity, think about whether that’s the word/phrase you really want or if you’re just being too lazy to come up with something better. That said, it’s not uncommon for at least mild profanity (such as hell or damn) to be part of a conversational tone. If you’re doing work for hire, you absolutely want to know your publisher’s stance on using profanity.

There are probably some other things that define a conversational tone, and I’m sure someone will quibble with some of my points, but hopefully this at least serves as a conversation starter. (Ha! And yes, you can usually get away with some wordplay when writing conversationally.)

Posted in Editing, Games | 4 Comments

Resurviving Middle School

Posted on September 7, 2012 by ayvalentine

My little girl started middle school two weeks ago. Go ahead—feel sorry for her, for Clark and me, and for anyone affected by the scourge that is middle school.

Except…she loves it. And she’s annoyed by all the books and movies and people telling her these are the worst years of her life. Yeah, she’s only 2 weeks in. A lot can happen in three years. But she’s determined that her middle school experience will be a good one, and she’s sick of being bombarded with the apparent futility of that.

I want to support her in this. I hope these three years are fantastic, and if there’s anyone who can take advantage of the amazing academic and extracurricular opportunities this school offers, anyone who can come out of this huge and vibrant school unscathed, it’s totally my daughter.

Except…middle school really was among the worst times in my life. The same is true for her dad. So we’re armed to comfort her and help her through the teasing and the betrayal of friends. We’re on the active lookout for signs she’s being bullied or is developing an eating disorder. I’ve taught middle school, in addition to living through it, and I read a lot of articles about “issues facing kids these days.” We know the many challenges she might face, as well as many she’ll probably never encounter. We fear on her behalf, while she strides in, bold and optimistic. I’m so proud of my girl, even if I can’t quite see the world the way she does.

She’s been walking home from school most days, but the friend she walks home with is on crutches, so today I went to pick up the girls. I was the only parent standing outside the main doorway as these waves of tweens surged out of the doors. I felt awkward and out of place, invisible and in danger of being run over. I felt like I was too fat and I was wearing the wrong clothes and maybe I should have brushed my hair or put in earrings or something. The noise was overwhelming and I wanted nothing more than to run away and curl up in fetal position under something big and solid. I felt like I was back in middle school.

Finally my daughter and her friend came out—laughing, happy, looking like they own the place. As I listened to their chatter, I pushed away the headache, shoved those lingering irrational emotions back into the battered shoebox I’ve apparently kept on some shadowed shelf in the closet of my memory.

I know I’m ready to comfort her and fight for her. I hope I’m also ready to let her experience middle school on her own terms, uncolored by my own preconceptions of what it should be like.

Posted in Parenthood | 4 Comments